S1 E8: finding authentic confidence (part two)
Welcome back to the Colorful Futures Podcast! This week, we’re back with part two of my chat with confidence coach Erika Eileen, and things are getting even spicier. We’re tackling the not-so-glamorous journey of self-discovery—you know, the one where you’re trying to figure out who you are while untangling all the fun (read: chaotic) influences like family dynamics, ADHD, and queerness. 🙃
Erika and I talk about how fashion isn’t just about looking cute; it’s a powerful tool for self-expression and identity. Plus, we dig into why confidence isn’t some linear journey with a finish line—it’s more like a chaotic road trip with detours, breakdowns, and unexpected views. And let’s not forget the importance of staying open-minded because, spoiler alert: life never goes exactly how you planned.
If you’re ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe rethink your own self-expression, grab your snack of choice, something cozy, and settle in. Let’s get real about what it means to show up authentically in a world that loves to throw curveballs. 💖
Who is Erika Eileen?
Erika Eileen (She/Hers) isn't your typical run-of-the-mill coach! Through Erika's content and coaching, she will have you strutting into any room, oozing confidence and charm. Whether it's in the bedroom, the boardroom, or anywhere else, you're going to rock it like a pro. You can say goodbye to those pesky insecurities that have been holding you back, and hello to a whole new level of empowerment when you start to hang out in her spaces! Erika Eileen's, aka The Confidence Coach for the Girls*, coaching honours the individual's needs, desires and life experiences first and helps her clients create a life worth living for THEM. She is known for holding her client's hand and holding space, as much as she is known for giving her clients a little push off the edge when she knows they are ready and have what it takes to SLAY!!! If you want someone who will keep it real with you, and use her own life lessons as an example to show you that confidence isn't about being PERFECT.... Erika is your gal!
Follow Erika on Instagram to learn more about her work.
TRANSCRIPT
Liora Alvarez: Welcome back to another episode of the Colorful Futures podcast. Today we're continuing the conversation that we started last week with Erika Eileen. So if you haven't already, go back and listen to the first half and then come join us for the second half of our conversation. And I'm so excited for you to check it out.
Did you find that as you kind of discovered your queerness, discovered your ADHD, what were some of those inner scripts that like, caused a lot of shame and things like how did those evolve and how did that affect your confidence?
Erika Eileen: Like I said earlier, I really found a way to switch from this like, good girl, I have to be liked by everyone, I need my parents approval, like what people think of me really matters. I like, replaced that with the complete 180 of like, the rebellion mindset. And what really was like the missing piece for me was the knowledge and the education of like, why I think the way that I do.
I remember, so for those of you that don't know and I'm going to paint a picture for you, but I spent 24, well 26 years of my life blonde, okay? I'm German.
Liora Alvarez: I remember your blonde era.
Erika Eileen: I know, right? So I was blonde. I've been bleaching my hair blonde as well since I was like 12. Like I'm German. I have blue eyes. I was blonde, the typical. And I spent my whole life being the good girl. So my clothes reflected that, how I dressed myself, my makeup, everything. I never went through like, an emo phase in high school that a lot of my friends went through where they were like, dark and like wearing eyeliner. Like, I just was always like, in pearls and like, pretty dresses and looking presentable.
And I remember when I was like 21, 22, I got my first job as a bartender at like, a really like, sexy spot and the outfit was a deep plunge tank top and the tiniest skirt. I don't even know how it was legal, and heels. And I remember feeling so like, sexy and sophisticated, but I also remember that I felt really dirty, raunchy and wrong.
And I remember that being a really big piece for me because I was like, my God, like I shouldn't be wearing this. And like, this is too raunchy and I'm serving food. Like what the fuck? Then I started making a lot of money and I was like, oh okay, I get it. And so that's kind of like where my brain also started to switch.
At that phase of my life too, always wanting to have like, dark features, being tatted. I was like so attracted, mind you, I also didn't think I was gay at this point, but I remember also being like, so attracted to these like, women that I saw online that were like, full bodied and tatted and black haired and they wore like cool shit.
So once I started like discovering my queerness and like starting into my business and everything, for me, honestly, it might be a little bit of a trauma response, but, once I started actually allowing myself to be myself, like everything switched. Like, I went from having one tattoo to having 50 tattoos overnight. I woke up one day in 2020, after a seven year relationship ended and I had moved out. My parents had disowned me. My family hated me. And I was like, I'm going to dye my hair black and chop it to my chin. And so I changed everything.
And it was funny because even though it was the hardest part of my entire life, like, you guys don't understand, like, I went from my parents being my best friends, like my best friends, to like, hating me, like full on voicing it, like we hate you, we don't trust you, you're a mess, you're a waste, whatever. And I also had never felt more myself.
And at that time I was sex coaching, I was doing sex work as well, but I was finally like exploring my sexuality and I was exploring all these things and I was like making peace with who I was and it was just like a really ironic switch of like, I went from this good girl in pearls with blonde hair, and I was never confident then, and then all of a sudden I was like, thicker. I'd put on weight because I stopped dieting. I cut my hair to my chin. I dyed it jet black, I got tatted up, and I just like started working a job that I actually felt confident in.
And that was all stemmed from, okay, I don't know if I'm straight or not. Okay, I don't know if I actually want to work a corporate job. Okay, I don't know if I actually want to do all these things. And like, my brain is kind of spicy. Like, I need to let that be. I need to stop trying to put myself into this like, category of being just like, she's energetic.
Like, no, I'm like fucked up. Like, I need meds. Like, get me out of the, like, you know? But yeah, it was, it was almost like I did this 180. It all really started from being like, shit doesn't have to be what it always has been. And unfortunately it took my parents disowning me to allow myself to live my authentic life.
And it took five years, like full transparency, to get to a position where my parents and I can like, now exist together and be in a family again. But I like, moved back home and like they accept me for who I am now. And like, I also have found that I don't need to be as like, outlandish with my queerness and with my sexuality and with my ADHD and my mental health and everything because I've made peace with it myself. I had to kind of go the complete opposite way and allow myself to explore that to be able to kind of find like now where I'm like, this is so me.
Like, Liora, I wake up every day and I'm like, ahhhh, I love myself. I love my mom. Like, it's crazy. And I live in my parents' basement and I'm 31 and I'm single and all these things that society would tell me is like a waste. And I've never, I fucking wake up every day, even on bad days. And I'm like, ahhh, girl, you're not dead.
It's like you fucking did it. Like you've always wanted to be this person and you fucking did that. But it all came at once and it was really traumatic. And I don't say that to scare anyone on not going and being your authentic self, but it is a big change to go from I'm trying to appeal to every single person on this planet earth and be approved, to I don't give a fuck. Like that's really hard.
Liora Alvarez: When you said that you like, wake up now and like, despite all of these like breaking the norms, and not following the expectations or whatever that you just love who you are and love yourself, I got chills. My eyes got wet. I was like, I love this for you. And I resonate with, not an exact situation, but when you were talking about how your parents disowned you and all of this stuff was going on and that led you to own who you are and be your authentic self.
I found that when my dad passed away, I was suddenly, I was like, I don't have any fucks to give because like this major thing happened that like very few people actually understand, like real understanding. And it just like, made me realize that there's like no time to waste.
And before that, I would say, I can't quite remember maybe like six months before I had decided to like, take on a new name because Liora is not the name that I was born with. It was like, given to me as a baby, but I had gone by something else for most of my life. And that was like the first time that I was just like, I actually like, don't really resonate with my name. Never had, like I have, but I haven't.
And I also realized the reason that I have is cause it was like, very people pleasing of like, my parents gave it to me, and you know, I have to keep it and whatever, you know? And when I started going by Liora, it was like suddenly like, I actually like the statistic of like, people like hearing their name, I never resonated with until I changed my name.
And I'm just like, yes, hello, that is me. And then, you know, so I went through that and I felt more like myself and then my dad died. And I was just like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, how am I living? Like, who do I want to be? How do I want to show up in the world?
And it sounds like for you, that pivotal moment was when you like, almost didn't have these like anchors of your parents. Cause you were just like, well, without this like, foundation, without this anchor, like who the fuck am I? And who do I want to be? And now like, that's, think why I got so emotional when you were just saying, you know, you wake up now and it just feels so like, aligned and integrated because like now you're here and you are still yourself. And when you mentioned to -
Erika Eileen: In this version of me.
Liora Alvarez: Right. And then when you were saying like, how we kind of go to extremes before we come back, right? Like I came out when I was like 13. So I was very young. I've been out, dang, I've been out for 20 years.
Erika Eileen: We need to celebrate.
Liora Alvarez: Yes. So two decades. And when I went into college was when I like, experimented with like the whole opposite end of like, gender expression. And I shaved my head and I was like, wearing masc clothing and like, went on down that path. I know, I have to like, dig out the photo.
Erika Eileen: But did you know I went through that, too?
Liora Alvarez: Wait, really? You shaved your head? Or just like, masc?
Erika Eileen: When I cut my hair, because I was so comfortable with like, long hair’s girl and short hair’s boy, when I cut my hair. And then I was like, I literally went as non-binary for like a couple months. I told all my friends I'm like, just, I don't know. I don't know, so just. And then I just realized that I was like, associating short hair with being a boy, but I explored like, my masculinity and I explored what that looked like. It didn't feel natural for me, but I did the exact same.
I was like, let me do all these things to, kind of like, yeah, just like explore and play and like see.
Liora Alvarez: And it's like one of those things where I'm like, I look at someone like when you were talking about like when you were looking at like these women with like the black hair and the tats and everything and it's like, do I want to be them or do I want to be with them? Or is it both?
Erika Eileen: I should have asked myself that when I was like, 19 but I digress.
Liora Alvarez: Yeah, exactly. I went on a similar journey and like I feel like now, you know, I've come to accept my like, femme side and like I have a masc side and to be fair and to be honest, like those fluctuate depending on what part of my cycle I'm in. Let's be real. But I just feel like that journey and like allowing yourself to go through all of those stages and explore and experiment and just like be okay with that. So crucial. And I feel like you went through something very similar.
Erika Eileen: Yeah, I get a lot of questions. Like, in my Ask Erika that I do every week, and like, with clients about like, fashion and self expression. And I'm always like, where the fuck is this coming from? Like, I am a confidence coach. Why the fuck are people paying $100 to have a consult with me to talk about their looks and what tattoos they should get and all of these things. And then I very quickly like, snap my brain back into what I know.
And the truth is, is like, how you express yourself, like it matters so much, and funny that you were talking about like, your fashion and how you like, play with it in different parts of your cycle. A couple of days ago, I saw a TikTok, I opened TikTok and there was this girl that I used to follow like in 2020 when I was first on TikTok on like my first page, seven pages ago. And I was like, oh my god, Anya.
And she was like, point of view, your fashion sense is tomboy femme. And I was like, uh, and parts of my brain started tingling. And I was like, what is going on with me right now? So I went on her page. First I was like, do I want to be with her or do I want to be her? Again, now I know to ask that.
And as I was scrolling, I realized that I was like, discovering a part of my own personal identity and my confidence in what she was sharing because I had never been able to put a thought or like a label on how I feel best expressing myself. And then it was as simple as one TikTok of a girl being sometimes in a dress, but then sometimes also in like jorts and a shirt with a ball cap. But she was like, so pretty with her makeup and her nails and all these things.
And I was like, my God, I wear these exact outfits. This is me. And so, as you move through finding yourself, one, you have to be able to be open-minded about change, but also two, there are so many options of how you present yourself and to go back to why people always ask me about fashion and everything, it's because I've gone from blonde and pearls to being the nature girl who literally just was wearing Patagonia and North Face and I've gone through being quote unquote, masc and trying that and then I've allowed myself to be like,not the trad wife, but like, you know, cottage core or whatever.
And now I'm like in this place where I'm like, I'm mixing all of it together and I feel so myself. And I think people can see that, right. And so when you allow yourself to be like, it's not just about being like, am I gay or not? It's also like, what do I want my name to be? Like when my parents and I were fighting, I originally, in my business, was going by my legal first and last name. And then I changed things to be my first and middle name. And very similar to you, I'm like that's hot, like that's so fucking sexy.
This is a total different person. Erika Arf and Erika Eileen, two different people. And it can be as simple as like. leaning in on that and allowing that to be what works for you or finding a fashion sense that works for you. Like it goes so much deeper than just being like, I'm queer and I'm chronically ill and this.
It's like, how do you deal with your chronic illness? How do you deal with your queerness? How do you deal and how do you present with your neurodivergence? Like how do you allow yourself to be authentic? And all those little pieces that go so deep, it allows you to create this full picture of who you are so that you can, again, wake up every day and be like, ahhh, I love this version of me.
I allowed myself to get half a syringe of filler in my upper lip two years ago. It changed my life, and I, for so long, was like, filler's so bad. Only people who hate themselves get that, yada, yada, yada. Do you know how much I love my upper lip? I love it. Every day I look at my lips, I'm like, ugh, yes, and I haven't touched them since.
But again, it was allowing myself to be open to something that I used to be like, mm mm mm mm. There's shame in that.
Liora Alvarez: Yeah. I felt like when my nervous system is activated by something and I'm like, no, that's wrong. Or like, I'll never do that.
Erika Eileen: That's my favorite.
Liora Alvarez: It's like the opposite.
Erika Eileen: I've done it all.
Liora Alvarez: Like for such a long time when people would talk about like, not drinking, I'd be like, okay, like you're better than everyone. And then I stopped drinking for three years and I was just like, you know, maybe that was like, my way of actually like being really scared to approach a topic that like, I so deeply needed to address. But yeah, that's kind of unrelated to what we're talking about.
Erika Eileen: But you know what, it is related. I was kind of the same. I learned in 2020 that I have addiction problems. I went from drinking like, quite often in 2020 to deal with my emotional pain, to not drinking for all of 2021 and 2022. Like, I challenged myself to six months sober and then I did the whole year and then I just kept going.
And then I also kind of got to the point where I was like, ughh, alcohol is poison to the brain. Like I kind of got into this thought like, high and mighty. And then one day I was in Portugal, and I was sitting at the beach bar, and this like, woman came up to me and she sat beside me, and she was me in 30 years.
She was a salon owner in Dublin and she had four beauty salons and she was a boss babe and she retired her husband and her husband like loves her like he was like calling her she was like my god babes look at this and he was like my gosh like all these things and I saw my future. I, for the first time probably ever, I saw my future in someone, and I saw myself represented in a different age than what I was now, if that makes sense.
We were sitting there, and it was sunset and she looked at me, and she's like do you want to have a drink together? I would love to buy you a drink. She's like you're so special. And I hadn't had a drink in over a year and a half. And I was like, yeah, I do. And that drink was the best drink I've ever had.
And I felt so proud. I loved it. I loved the moment. I have pictures of it, still. It's like literally up on my board still. Like that woman means a lot to me. And it was funny because, yeah, like I just had to also go from being like, I didn't drink and like, I'm not a, like I'm never drinking again to being like, yeah, Erika, like you're not fucking better just because you don't drink alcohol.
You can change your mind. You can also explore things and then you can also find a halfway through. But like you were saying, when you are someone that's like, no, no, no, I could never, you're usually judging because you either don't feel like you could do it yourself or that it's something that you actually maybe need.
And just being open to exploring different things and needing different things at different times in your life will remove that shame and that structure that a lot of people hold themselves to. And in relation to confidence, if you're picturing a road right now and it's just like a straight line and there's nothing around, people always like, look at confidence in their life as like on that road. And like, that's all they can see.
Your life is downtown Toronto. Your life is downtown New York City. Your life is downtown Barcelona. There's one way streets. There's two way streets. There's busy streets. And then there's little side streets that you find joy in. That is what your life will look like. And you have to be open to all the different routes. You can't just be like spearheaded and think that everything's gonna go the exact same fucking way that you want it to.
And the clients that have the most amount of success in my coaching reverse their motherfucking car, they get off that motherfucking street as fast as they can, and they book their flight to the big city and they're like, okay, this is scary. I don't know what this looks like. There's way more decisions here than there was on that street, but like there's also so many more options and there's so many more ways of walking around this city.
Liora Alvarez: Yes, and I feel like I kept thinking about all these roads and even roundabouts. There's been so many times where feel like I'm going through the same fucking lessons all the time and the same shit and repeating until I'm finally like, wait, I can actually leave this road and keep moving forward.
Erika Eileen: You know how some roundabouts are really easy to get in and out and then there's some where you're like, you see people in the roundabouts going two or three times because they don't know how to cross over to the lane and get out, but then you can see the moment that they start, right?
And it's like, it's the exact same. Like some roundabouts are easy to remove themselves from and some are hard. And if you really want to be confident in any aspect of your life, you have to allow your confidence to be more open-minded. And same with your career, same with your relationships, like same with who you are as a person.
Like if you are so gung ho and being this one specific thing, I'm sorry, but the human experience does not necessarily allow for that. So, the second that you allow for like, fluidity and for differences and for shocking things to happen, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Liora Alvarez: That's such a great note to end on. Mic drop.
Erika Eileen: And I'm out. Yes. But it is. It is. You have to be really open. You have to be open. Everyone has to be open.
Liora Alvarez: Yes. Open-mindedness. What it's all about.
Erika Eileen: Yeah. And sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad, but you'll always learn a lesson regardless.
Liora Alvarez: Yeah. I love that. Well, thank you so much for joining me. This has been so lovely. I love talking with you and I'm sure that the folks listening and our community will love it too.
Erika Eileen: I hope so
Liora Alvarez: And we'll have to have you back, because I'm sure there's like a bazillion things we can talk about.
Erika Eileen: Yeah, I would love to do more related stuff to confidence and also too, like because it's such a huge part of building your career and building who you are and it's like deeply rooted in your identity. Please anyone if you have any questions, please send them to Liora. I can answer them or yeah we can come back and maybe answer all the questions because I think that would be fun.
Liora Alvarez: Yeah, I would love that. We'll put Erika's information in the show notes. You'll be able to find her. Erika, do you have anything going on, coming up soon that you want to share with the people?
Erika Eileen: I am revamping, restarting and everything. Like my life is so fun. Yeah, if you guys need an example of what it's like to just live authentically and make choices and decisions and allow yourself to change and fuck up and do it publicly, then yeah, follow along.
Liora Alvarez: Yeah, Erika's stories were always like, so fun to watch, whether you're like in a bikini dancing on the beach at your latest Afrobeats concert or like talking some real shit about like, health and business and everything. So it's always a good ride. never know. All right. Well, thanks again, Erika.
Erika Eileen: Thank you for having me.
Liora Alvarez: To everyone else, we will see you next week.