S2E3 - the invisible barrier between you and your work
S2E3 - the invisible barrier between you and your work
Transcript
Speaker: Liora Natania
There was just this invisible barrier between me and the work. There's a part of me that can see everything in front of me and knows that it could be as simple as just starting with an email. But I'm just absolutely frozen and I can't get started.
Hello my friend, and welcome back to another episode of the Colorful Futures Podcast.
I'm your host, Liora Natania, a neuroqueer HR consultant, executive functioning and career coach, and the founder of Colorful Futures.
A little over four years ago, I was working at an agency, um, a staffing agency. I was working as a recruiter. I was going through a lot of just overwhelm and burnout. I knew I had ADHD, I think I had just started medication, but it was like nonstimulant medication. I went through the weekend and I just like did not feel rested. I didn't feel ready to work. I was like anticipating logging on and just dreading it, like Sunday scaries, but times a thousand.
So I took a mental health day and I just spent the whole day like playing video games, just like trying to do nothing but chill, recharge.
And then I logged into work the next day and was looking at my workload I had like 11 emails. That's nothing. My inbox was usually like 50, a hundred, whatever.
"but I have some work to do and I'm just like staring at my work, but like, I can't do anything"
I was staring at those emails. I was staring at like the work that I knew I could do, and there was just this like invisible barrier between me and the work. And I feel like sometimes that is what it feels like is just this resistance. There's a part of me that can see everything in front of me and knows that it could be as simple as just starting with an email or just like getting started doing whatever's on my to-do list.
But I'm just absolutely frozen and I can't get started. It was early in my diagnosis. So I was kind of at the point where I was starting to notice what I was experiencing and realizing that it had to do with my ADHD. At the time I found it really helpful to hear other people's experiences of going through what I now know is executive dysfunction and just kind of how ADHD might present.
I remember in that moment just like, feeling this way, and just deciding to like pick up my phone and record, and just like kind of document what I was experiencing.
have this work to do, you can just like sit down and do it. Just go through your inbox, just like pick a job and like i'm a recruiter like just pick a job, start working on it.
And then I go to do it. I'm just like, I think I was also in some ways looking for some sort of like validation of like, okay, maybe someone will see this, who like knows how I feel and can just be like, yeah that happens.
It's wild 'cause I'm like thinking back to when I posted it and I had no idea it would be so popular. What that means to me is, is not just that it was a viral video, but that so many people relate to that feeling. Your brain is telling you one thing and your body is telling you something else. So many people understand what that's like, to just like see the steps in front of you and see what you have to do.
And no matter how much you tell yourself, oh, you could just pick an email, you could just get started. You could just, just, just, just, just. No matter how much we are like setting up the logical steps up here in our mind, our body isn't letting us move forward, or we feel this resistance.
It's like there's this wall in front of us . I remember when I started that job, it was unlike anything I'd ever done before. That was my first recruiting job, and there was so much to learn and there were so many exciting moments where I would like fill my first position and, I got to write my little, like, check on the board that I like, filled a job that week and everyone clapped.
And then I got my first commission check and I remember like texting my parents I filled this permanent role. I filled this freelance role. And it was like constant dopamine hits there was tons of novelty learning about new positions, working with different clients, we had to meet with different job seekers every week and just being able to kind of have things that were the same in the sense of, you know, we're using the same tools, I have the same sort of structure like a certain number of meetings per week, things like that. But the day-to-day was also different.
And then of course the big dopamine hit of like filling the position, feeling really satisfied that all that work resulted in someone getting a job, that was really fulfilling. And then of course, on a personal note, getting that commission was really nice.
So in the beginning everything felt great. It was the best next step for me getting out of retail management, but after a while, that novelty started to wear off. I would come into the office and be like dreading the meetings that I had. Because, in hindsight, I had to mask so much through those meetings, put on a face, like be friendly, ask questions, be like engaged in the conversation, and then also be thinking about all these other things I had to do in the day.
But I was also dealing with different types of people so I would be working with different clients who were hiring and also be partnering with different job seekers who were applying for those jobs. And not everyone was happy. And that's just the reality of working in that type of environment.
So it was a really big toll on my emotional and mental capacity. And that started to really add up over time to where I would be canceling meetings, canceling calls, calling out of work.
I think I mentioned this in season one, episode four, that even just a few months into starting this job, I had a meeting with my boss and his boss, where they were concerned about the amount of days that I'd missed, and this is pre ADHD awareness, let alone diagnosis and management.
So when they asked me like, what was going on, I didn't know. I just knew, I felt a lot of shame about not being able to show up to work every day. Feeling really drained, but not knowing why. And then looking at my coworkers and seeing how they were able to show up and they were like happily doing their jobs and everything was going well for them and just thinking, well I must be the problem.
Maybe this job isn't for me. Maybe I'm not for this job. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I think I am." And it's kind of a mind fuck because I'm sure some of you can relate to this, where like you start a job and you do really well and people are like, wow, like giving you all these compliments and they're like.
You're so fast or like you're doing so well or you're such a good recruiter. You are like the star of the show. And then that slowly starts to go away.
You start to get less compliments, you start to get less recognition. And as the dopamine and the novelty of that job is wearing off for you and the realities of the job of the mental load, emotional loads start to get even heavier on you. Plus the fact that when you are a high achiever, high performer, especially early on, you just get more work and you get more complex work, which again, makes the load on your brain even heavier.
Then those positive compliments start happening less and less, and they're replaced by you keep canceling your calls, you're not meeting your quota, you keep missing work. before that even happens, I think for me, I was already internalizing what was happening. Like I was already well aware that I was having a hard time showing up and wondering what was happening, why I couldn't do it like everyone else could do it.
So by the time my boss even talked to me about it, I'd already spent a significant amount of time questioning myself and asking myself what was going on and feeling bad about it. And then the rejection sensitivity kicks in, especially when my boss comes to me and it just ends up further, you know, cementing the spiral of self-judgment and shame.
I do think that I was aligned with the work in many ways and the reasons I took the job were still true, which was I really enjoyed supporting job seekers. It was really cool to work in these specialized industries 'cause it was a creative recruiting position. And that's what my background is in. I started my career as a graphic designer.
So it was cool to kind of still be in that space. But the more I kind of settled into the role, the more these sort of like quota- based, transactional- based standards were cemented and it became more about like meeting my energy needs, which means sometimes I couldn't meet the quotas that the company set, which then meant I wasn't fulfilling the requirements of my job, which meant my job was at risk. Like I love to support job seekers in a recruiter role, but without these very specific quotas that end up making that relationship feel really transactional and the work is transactional. I'd rather focus on quality over quantity and not feel that it's at risk if I don't have a certain number of people to talk to.
The team there was pretty supportive. Like my leaders did try to connect with me and see what was going on, what I might need, checking in with me to see like if it was the right role for me, which for me is like one of the most nervous- system- activating statements. But I have since learned, that's not true for everyone.
Given my history and potentially history of you as well, of constantly like performing well till you're not, and then having performance conversations and being put on performance plans or being fired-
when someone asks me, "is this job the right fit for you?" I'm already in survival mode of like, well, what do you mean? Like, this was supposed to be like it for me. Like this is what got me out of retail management. This was my like, big girl corporate job. Get the salary, afford my house. Like kind of thing. So if not this, then what? So being asked that question, just like put me even more into that internal " girl, get your shit together." Like you have to do it like everyone else does.
There have been different times throughout my life that I've had a similar feeling where I know what the steps are in front of me. Yet, I am having a hard time actually following through and taking that first move, when I was going through a divorce last year, I had to kind of put my business and marketing my business on a back burner, and kind of deprioritize it while I handled my own shit. earlier this year, I was working with my favorite business coach, Erika. She and I would meet every week and we would come up with these plans for programs, workshops, marketing plans, and I would go through the meeting and feel so energized and I would end the meeting and be like, yeah, this is what we're gonna do. And then when the time came for me to like sit down and open Canva to start building out a new campaign or pressing record and filming a, a talking reel or a TikTok, I just couldn't do it. And it was so frustrating to me because I really wanted to, and I left those meetings feeling so energized and empowered and excited like, "yeah, do this thing, it's so clear, this is what we're gonna do" and could not follow through on it. And it's the same thing with what I mentioned in the first episode of this season where even just kind of planning out this season of the podcast was something I very much desired and was having a very hard time initiating, that task initiation part of executive functioning.
What this also reminds me of is when I was younger, when I was a teenager, a preteen, when I was a kid, when something would be asked of me, or there was something I wanted to do and I couldn't do it. And this could be something like cleaning my room or doing a chore, doing my homework, or discovering a new hobby and actually following through on doing it.
I think what happens to many people is that they are then seen as lazy. And I think especially as kids, that might be a script that we hear often is like, " don't be so lazy. Just go clean your room. Go apply to a job. For neurodivergent folks, for autistic folks, for ADHDers, it's not about laziness.
Laziness doesn't exist, especially for folks with executive dysfunction, at the very least, laziness as we know it, right?
Laziness is " there's something I'm supposed to do and I'm actively choosing not to do it" or so I hear that's what that is. Laziness is not "there is something I'm supposed to do or there's something I want to do. And no matter how much I try, no matter how much I think about it, no matter how much I want to do it, I cannot do it." Very big difference.
All of these situations, whether it was when I was a kid, as a teenager, as an adult, in a job, in my own business, in my own free time with different activities or things that I genuinely want to do, there are so many times where I just can't get myself to do the thing. Something that I've noticed in my own clients as well is that this is a common experience and especially when things are so emotionally charged.
Like for example, when your livelihood is at risk because you have been looking for a job for six months. Or when your livelihood is at risk because many corporate places aren't operating with neurodivergent minds in mind. the feeling of that resistance of you really wanna do something and it feels impossible, you feel stuck no matter how much you may know, and be telling yourself that the next step is "blank", feels even worse when it's something that is very emotionally charged.
Even just that question of "why can't I do this?" makes us feel like we are the problem. Like we're trying to find fault in ourselves. We're trying to find a reason. And what I've witnessed in my clients and myself is that the more that goes on, the bigger it gets.
It's like this little demon in the room, every moment you think to yourself, " why can't I do this?" You're like throwing snacks into that little demon's mouth and feeding it, Other people can do this, why can't I do this?" " Other people can go apply to jobs." " Other people can go to networking events." " Other people can do their job, and I can't, I must be the problem." the more time that goes by that you're thinking about the thing that you really wanna do, and you just wanna do it, that demon is getting louder and bigger and stronger until it is overtaking and overshadowing your desire to do the thing.
From the outside to people observing whether it's your family, parents, boss, coworkers, even your spouse, even parts of yourself. But from the outside, this might seem like a lack of motivation. This might seem like a lack of initiative, a lack of drive or laziness.
They might even make suggestions to you of like, " why don't you just apply to a job today? No big deal. Why don't you just go to the networking event? Why don't you just clean your room? Just wash the dishes, not a big deal. Just text your friends. Just start the project. Just post the video."
For me, the more people say that, I like shut down because it's not that simple. well, You're saying just apply to a job. But do you know how many steps it takes to do that?
Do you know how much I have to think about that? I have to figure out if I want to apply to the job, figure out what they're asking for, customize my resume, fill out the application, write the cover letter, like do anything but- I'll go to the dentist. When the stakes are high, that can often make the executive dysfunction worse and the avoidance worse. Which also makes the inner spiral and turmoil worse too.
there is an invisible labor to constantly thinking about something. Planning it, feeling guilty about not doing it, feeling the weight of the unfinished task. You end up spending more mental energy like wrestling with the task, then it might be to actually do the task. I know, I don't like to hear that either, but it's probably true. Because what happens is your brain thinks, well, we've been working on this because we've been thinking about it. We've been dissecting it, we've been planning out every perfect little step, and so you're already exhausted by the time you even think to do it.
Your brain is like, oh, I've been applying to jobs for weeks. I've been applying to jobs for months, but you haven't actually, you've just been thinking about it, stressing about it, spiraling about it.
With job searching, that can be very high stakes, right? Like this is connected to our livelihood. It's where we spend a lot of our time and it's the fuel for how we live our life. The majority, if not all, I think all of my clients are neurodivergent in some way.
Typically ADHD, often auDHD, autistic ADHDers, and the occasional autistic who doesn't have ADHD. Most of the time though, we've got a little mix of everything. I've had clients who have spent months looking at jobs they were excited about and not being able to get themselves to apply. I've had clients who felt overwhelmed by every step of the job search and therefore kept avoiding it.
I've had clients who were going through periods of grief and depression that was weighing on their mind and prevented them from moving forward with a job search. I've had clients who felt really capable of going through the job search process and felt that they knew what to do, that they could show up to their interviews and be amazing, and still felt really stuck in moving forward.
I've had clients who've gotten jobs through connections before, but now felt like they didn't have those connections or their connections weren't able to help them with their jobs. So now having to approach their jobs search differently felt really scary. I've had clients who've had incredible support systems, but still felt frozen in their job search and stuck moving forward.
And with all of them, the guilt and the shame cycle was they would feel bad about not applying, which would make them feel worse about themselves. And in feeling worse about themselves, they would continue to procrastinate on applying, or I shouldn't say procrastinate on applying, avoid applying, and just made it even harder to move forward.
So sometimes even with all of the support in the world, we can still struggle with executive functioning, we still have a hard time moving forward.
what I've found, is that this often comes down to nervous system regulation. I'm not a mental health professional, this is simply my own experience through my personal life, going through therapy myself, as well as supporting other clients going through similar things,
what I found is helpful to think about is that your nervous system and your body is giving you information. It's telling you that it doesn't feel safe to move forward with whatever it is your brain wants you to do.
It's important to remember that this isn't a personal failure. This is just the way that our brain works. And unfortunately, the shame also tends to come in because we are living in a neurotypical society that doesn't really keep neurodivergent ADHD executive dysfunction in mind.
Something that I told one of my clients who was going through this was to reframe it from, " I am procrastinating I am avoiding this task. I am lazy, I'm not applying, and other people are, " to " my nervous system is telling me that it needs something and it needs a little bit of attention before I can work
This is a conversation I've had time and time again. A lot of people experience this and what I often recommend is if you go to sit down to apply, or even if you're thinking about starting to apply and it feels like you can't do it , you're in that sort of functional freeze moment, take care of your body first. So that might be things like going for a walk. It might be calling a friend and just catching up and chatting. It might be listening to the next chapter of your audiobook and playing a silly little bus sort game on your phone. It's very niche, but that's what I've been doing lately. It might be coloring for a little bit. But give yourself some time to regulate yourself before you go into something that may continue to dysregulate you, instead of forcing yourself through it or feeling guilty or feeling bad about it.
This is part of working with your brain and not against it. It's part of working with your natural rhythms and not against it. When I approach coaching, whether it's career coaching or ADHD coaching, the approach that I have is acknowledging that we have these natural rhythms, we have these nervous system responses, brain responses, executive functioning things. If we kind of go with the flow, if we allow ourselves to ride the wave and give ourselves the support that it needs, it will help us move through that feeling, move through that resistance so we can feel safe to take the action that moves us towards the thing that we desire.
And in a job search, the thing that we desire is a job, which means part of that process is applying. Part of that process is doing all these steps and interviewing, things like that. So in order to get to that point, you have to meet yourself where you are and take care of the things that are coming up for you.
It is also important to give yourself permission to not force it when your system is saying, no, not, not now, not yet. And if you can try to think of it as a "not yet", you can think about what would it take me to get to a point where I can just start with a small step. What I recommend, to cope with that in your job search especially, is break it down as much as you can.
So maybe it's not, I'm gonna apply for a job, maybe it's, I'm just gonna find a job and read about it. That's what I'm gonna do. Or maybe it's, I'm gonna copy the job description into a document so I can kind of analyze it later. Or maybe another small step can be, I'm gonna find three things about the job that I've done before that I know that I could do again. We can work with our rhythms all the time, and that's like ideal, but we still have things that we actually have to do. So things that I found really help is to set the scene, create a cozy environment for yourself.
So this can look like putting on a playlist of music that gets you in a good mood. This can look like getting your favorite drink. Maybe you make a cup of tea, maybe you get a soda putting on some cozy lighting. Like I have colored lights in my house, so I'll pick one that makes me feel good. It's usually pink and purple. Get a snack, Find a comfortable spot. Sit on the couch, sit on the floor, sit in your bed. I know that people say you shouldn't work from your bed 'cause it's bad for sleep hygiene. But to those people I say, you must be neurotypical. I love working from bed. just like set a mood. So we've got our drink, we've got our snack, we've got our lighting, we've got our music, we've got our coziness.
You can get a little blanket, you can get your little cat, uh, whatever you need.
And then set a little time boundary for yourself. You could literally set a timer or you could build a playlist that only plays for like 20 minutes, and then don't set it to repeat. And then when that time is over, you check in with yourself. You say, okay, I've been working for 20, 30 minutes. How do I feel?
Do I feel hungry? Am I thirsty? Do I have to stretch? Is my brain feeling soupy? Do I feel activated in my nervous system? Do I need to step away from this? If any of those things are true and you need to take care of yourself, then this is the time to take a break and come back to it. You could take a 10 minute break and come back and do another 20, 30 minutes. You could take a break and come back to it tomorrow.
But in doing this, you're giving yourself a chance to try to get something done, and you're giving yourself the opportunity to work longer if you feel up to it and you're giving yourself the opportunity to exit. And so have an exit strategy. What are you gonna do when the timer goes off? Have a plan if the timer goes off and I feel shitty, I am going to close my laptop, take a walk, and then see how I feel. I'm gonna close my laptop and go have a meal, or take a shower or take a nap, or all of them. If I hear my timer go off or my playlist ends and I'm feeling good, and I'm feeling like I've built some momentum, I'm gonna set another 20 minute timer.
I also recommend that you notice like when you might have more energy or be in a different, mood. So for example, maybe right after you have breakfast in the morning when your meds are like at their peak energy is when you could apply. Or maybe it's at night when you've front loaded some dopamine and you've taken some time to rest, recharge, FaceTime your bestie, take a walk, play some video games, you're feeling like you've had the time to just chill and recharge and relax. Maybe that's the time where you're like, all right, i'm gonna have a little cup of tea, some cookies or cake or chocolate, set the mood lighting, get into my cute little pajamas, and I'm gonna spend 30 minutes looking for jobs and then I'm gonna go watch my favorite show. So you have something you to look forward to as well. And this will all help you prove to yourself that you can do these things. And it's gonna prove to yourself that when we meet ourselves where we are, we work with our rhythms, we work with our needs, we accommodate ourselves, we do what we can to make the task a little bit more enjoyable, that we can do it. And that's just gonna make that inner script of like, we can't do something, get a little softer and we're gonna have more information that says, "oh no, like I can apply to jobs. And I know what I need to have around me."
Like for me, when I'm doing boring admin work, I'm like, I want a bowl of chips and I want a soda and I want a good playlist in my headphones and I want my cute little pink lighting and then i'm good. And I know that because I've tried it and I knew that it worked.
And this leads us to our quick tip of the week. If you're sitting down to apply and you feel frozen, or you sit down to apply to a job or search for jobs or whatever, and you are like, this isn't happening. I'm staring at the screen, i'm just scrolling LinkedIn, I'm not even reading them, and you're just like not feeling good about it. Close your laptop, put everything away, or put your phone down and go do one thing that's different. Just start with one thing.
Take a walk around the block, play with your cat. Make a cup of coffee, take a shower, take a nap. And then just ask yourself after you do that, what is the tiniest step you can take? And just honor whatever answer comes up. Even if it's just, I'm gonna open my resume and I'm going to see if my first bullet point could be a little stronger. Or if that one smallest task is I'm gonna open LinkedIn and I'm gonna find one post that I can comment on, even if it's not related to work.
And then just see how you feel. And remember that your worth is not defined by your productivity. Sometimes the most radical thing that you can do is trust that your brain and body knows what it needs and honor that.
That's all we have for you this week, my friend. So we'll see you next time.