S1 E4: getting fired was my wake-up call: how ADHD and burnout helped me discover the power of workplace accommodations
In this week’s episode, I decided to be a bit vulnerable and talk about a tough chapter in my career – the times I got fired (yep, more than once 😅). I share how not knowing I had ADHD played a huge role in my burnout and struggles at work. I talk about finally breaking free from retail and landing my dream job, only to be gut punched with the question: “Is this really the right job for you?” (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t, and it left me questioning everything about myself and how I work.)
Here's the thing – so many of us are square pegs trying to squeeze into round holes. Our beautifully unique, neurodivergent brains just don't fit neatly into the cookie-cutter systems of most workplaces. And let me tell you, it's exhausting trying to keep up that mask all day, every day.
So, if you've ever found yourself ugly-crying in the office bathroom (no judgment here, been there, done that, got the t-shirt), or if you've ever felt like you're one missed deadline away from a total meltdown, this episode is for you. We're going to talk all about the messy, the awkward, and yes, even the funny side of trying to find our place in the working world.
Ready to laugh, maybe cry a little, and most importantly, feel less alone in this wild ride we call a career? Then stick around, because we're about to get real, get vulnerable, and maybe, just maybe, figure out how to thrive without burning out. 💖
Transcript
Speaker: Liora Alvarez
Hello, friend, and welcome to another episode of the Colorful Futures podcast. I'm your host, Liora Alvarez, and on this show, we talk about all things of intersectionality and careers. So today I want to tell you a little bit of a personal story about the time that I got fired. And maybe I should specify about a specific time that I got fired because I've been fired more than once. But maybe you can relate, especially if you're an ADHDer. I think that's pretty common.
So to make a pretty long detailed story a little short, I will just tell you that I started my career in graphic design and worked my way into jobs like that, went freelance. After burning out as a freelancer, I went back to my roots in food service and eventually became a manager, burnt out in that job, and then found my way into recruiting.
Where I landed was with a creative staffing agency, which was such a great blend of having a new, cool corporate career, but still sort of having my hands involved in design. That's what I used to always say, is that I loved being a creative recruiter because I loved recruiting and I didn't have to be a designer, but I could still be in that world and know what was going on and help designers help other creatives find work, which was great.
Landing in that job was the most money I've ever made. I was making base pay, making commission. My base was like the same as what I was making as a manager. And the commission was just a really nice cherry on top of that package. And I was working in the city and I had really always wanted to be back in the city. And so all things were looking up. I started the job and I was commuting. was living in the suburbs at the time. So I took the train in, and I had to be in work every day at around 8: 30 because we kicked off our day with an 8:45 meeting in the open office. That was what I like to call like the business district in Philadelphia.
So I'd been working in this new job about two months, when I was called into my office's little conference room to have a meeting with my boss and his boss. And we got on this conference call, and my boss's boss out of New York, she was like, we just want to check in because in the past month, now remember, I've been there for two months. She said, in the past month, you haven't been here a full week. Like you haven't worked a full week in one month because I had been calling out. I would either call out not feeling well or call out because of like an issue with the train and I'd work from home. And it's also important to remember this is pre -pandemic, and the company I worked for did not have a remote work policy–was like, maybe you can occasionally if there's an emergency or whatever, you know, but there was no policy. They didn't really encourage it. Very much an in -office culture. And I remember just like, immediate fight or flight overtook me in that moment. Just like really triggered. Really. I just, I was feeling, I was like hot and shaky and just feeling like I really had to defend myself.
And I was like, I really like this job. It's just like all these different circumstances and just kind of kept making excuses and reiterating the excuses as to why I wasn't there five days a week for the last month. The second month I was there, I remember sitting in the park across the street during lunch and it was that same day and I was thinking I should just apply elsewhere. Like the rejection sensitivity was very high and I was really triggered and I did not know I had ADHD back then. So please also keep that in mind.
I did not know that my brain operated in a special way. So fast forward almost three years and we've now gone through the pandemic. I started this job in late 2018, so about, you know, about two years later and pandemic hits, we were working remotely and a lot of different things happened with our workload and you know, we worked in an agency. So workload was not the same as it was before and I was put on a performance plan.
Now, this was about the time that I was starting to figure out that I had ADHD. And I was put on a performance plan because I wasn't meeting like our basic metrics of like the amount of people we needed to engage with every week. And there were just some other things happening, lapses in communication, canceling meetings, things like that. So I worked through the performance plan and I technically like graduated from the plan and got through it.
Only for about two months later, I join my one -on -one with my boss and he tells me, this is your last day with us. And like, I could feel my world crashing. earlier that year, actually, maybe it was a year and a half prior, my wife had stopped working to cope with burnout. And because I had my recruiting job, my agency recruiting job, we made that decision and you know, whatever.
So in this moment where I find out, actually, even though you quote graduated from the performance plan, you're not performing to our standards and this is your last day. And like, literally, I remember in that second, I was like, I wish I could like rewind time and go back and do what I was supposed to do and like mask better and push through and like just do the job right. There've been so many times in my life where I'm like, I wish I could go back and do it again and do it better.
I wish I could go back and do it the way that other people needed me to. I wish I could work to the same level as other people. I wish I could be as good as my coworker or whatever. Even just as an example, one of the things that would happen at the agency was someone would reach out, maybe from another office even, and ask for a recommendation for candidate for a specific job.
And for me, I would always have to go into our database and search and then like I would recognize names and I'd be like, yeah, like that person would be great or this person, kind of forgot about them, but they would be good. And then I found out my coworkers would be able to just remember people. And it came up one day. I was like, I don't understand why recruiters are asking for recommendations when like, they just can do what I was going to do anyway, which was look in the database and like search people or whatever.
And my coworker was like, that's not what I do. And I was like, well, what do you do? Like, just remember people? And she was like, yeah. And I was like-it was so weird to me. I was like, what do you mean you just remember people? Like, you just remember someone you talked to almost a year ago who works in like this niche, who's like a videographer with a drone license or like who, you know, has written this type of article for this type of company or whatever. How do you remember that? And I was just so blown away.
And then I found out I had ADHD and that I have recall issues and all this stuff and like memory issues. I was like, I see. But anyway, I compared myself to people all the time. And so throughout my whole life, it was like, I wish I could be like that person. I wish I could just go back and like work harder, work longer, work better, you know, get my shit together and actually like do the thing. And so all of these thoughts were going through my head.
When I found out it was the last day of work. And then also all the other repercussions like, well, what are we going to do? I have three cats. I have a wife. You know, we need to take care of our household. Like, what am I going to do when I am the sole income maker right now? As I've thought through the situation over the years, I've realized that there are, there were so many things that could have been different, mainly if I had known that I had ADHD.
I think I would have been a lot better prepared to make that job work for me. In the grand scheme of things, the way that the job was structured, the way that the company culture was, when I look back, it wasn't the right job for me and I wasn't the right person for that job. And hearing, you know, the question in the moment of like, is this the right job for you? When I feel like I had, I had just finally gotten out of food service. I finally got out of being a manager. I finally got out of like, being underpaid for my work and having this really unsustainable schedule.
And I was only there for two months and I finally felt like I actually had a career and was like stable after like years and decades of feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere. I'm like literally about to cry just thinking about this. Like after spending years and decades of struggling and not being given chances and knowing that I am more than qualified for leadership positions to be promoted, to get raises, be given more responsibility if only someone would give me a fucking chance. And I felt like that my first recruiting job was that chance. I'm realizing now that this is still affecting me, even though that was like six years ago. And I'm still affected by it because it really was this pivotal moment. Getting that job was huge for me. And to hear two months in, is this the right job for you was real fucking triggering because I was like, well, if this isn't then like what the fuck is? Like I finally found a place that gave me a chance that like can utilize all my skills through this weird mixture of backgrounds, like my design work and my management experience and now this might not even be it. Like what
And I think I just masked even harder after that. But again, the pandemic hit, I figured out I had ADHD and then I was fired. I took two months off. Well, I didn't take two months off. It took me two months to find a job after like applying and stuff. I realized that that was so pivotal. I needed that two months to just like not worry about anything. I was on unemployment playing video games with my wife and it was just very relaxing and like, it just recharged me and in hindsight I was like, I kind of needed that.
I kind of needed that break. If I look back now, I can see that there were signs that I was burnt out. There were signs that it wasn't the right job for me. But there are also things that I think if they were different, if I had maybe had awareness of the way my brain worked, if I knew more of what to ask for in terms of accommodations, what supports I needed, then it could have been a completely different outcome for me.
And so I want to talk about that a little bit today and share that with you because maybe it can help you realize that something is not in alignment. Something isn't sustainable for you because really that job was not sustainable for me the way that it was. And also maybe it'll give you some ideas of things that you could ask for because truly even when I knew that I had ADHD, that I have it, and I was trying to file for accommodations or I did file for accommodations.
There were so many other things I could have asked for that I didn't even know could be supportive. So some of the signs I noticed of feeling burnt out in that job were just overall mental exhaustion. I would come home and I would drink a lot. I'd smoke a lot. I would not really want to have plans on the weekend because I felt like I had to do so much during the week that I now know was masking, but I also was commuting by train. So I'd wake up early. I would leave and you know, get the 7:30 train into the city to make the 8:45 meeting. I'd be done at five, but sometimes 5:30. And then I'd have to take the train back home and like have dinner. And then by the time all that's done, I'm like, all right, well, I guess I gotta go to bed and do this all again tomorrow. And so I never wanted to make plans. I didn't really have energy to keep up with people or talk to people, talk to my friends, family, whatever.
And I would find excuses to work from home. And again, like this company did not have a work from home policy. So I had to, you know, figure it out. Like if the train was running super late or there was an issue, I would be like, I got to work from home. Or I would have to call in sick, but mental health days weren't really a thing then. And so I'd have to make up some sickness and it was consistent. I would also be canceling meetings. Like we had to have interviews and with people and I would cancel them all the time. Things were just living through the cracks. My boss would get emails, my coworkers would get emails when like someone didn't have a good experience with me, they would reach out to another person on my team and it just like didn't feel good and this wasn't the kind of person that I wanted to be. But some of the things that I now realize were not conducive to my mental health were the early start time and the early meeting because even when we were remote, that was tough to make. Like my mornings always felt rushed.
So that is one thing that I would say has been really supportive for me now that I'm self -employed. But also the job that I had after that was much more accommodating, both built in and things that I was able to request. having a flexible start time was huge. The next job I had, they worked Mountain Time. They were out of Colorado and it's like really nice. When I got to start my day, I worked remotely, so I got to start my day right at five and I didn't have to commute anywhere so I could just be at home. It's very easy. So I felt so spoiled once I got to work from home. And most people at the company started their day at 11, my time, because they were in mountain time and I'm Eastern. And having that extra two hours to just like ease into my day, check my email, like not a lot of people are on Slack asking me for stuff. That was so nice.
And now that I am self -employed, I start my day at 10 so that I can have a super slow morning and I don't have to rush and I can be flexible with my day. The other thing I think would have been really supportive for me in the staffing agency job was that we worked in an open office and everyone worked really close. So I had my little desk and then right next to my desk was another desk with a coworker sitting at it. Right next to them was another desk with a coworker.
On the opposite side, right in front of me was another desk facing me and someone was working there. And it was just this pod of desks of everyone working. We had speakers because our company was like split between recruiters and account executives. like recruiting and sales and the salespeople always wanted like club music and electronic music and like stuff that would get them fired up, do their sales calls. And that's not how recruiting really operates, and it was very overstimulating. Plus my desk was right below the speaker. Like the speaker was right above my head behind me and it was really overstimulating.
And so when I made calls, I would have like an earplug in the other ear so I could focus, but I didn't really have a choice because again, can't work remotely. And at the time we didn't have laptops. So I couldn't go take my laptop and go out into like the lobby and work. or like into an interview room and work quietly, I was stuck at my desk. We did have a conference room that had a computer in there, but it wasn't hooked up properly to our servers and everything we needed to access to do our jobs. So that wasn't an option for me to work in.
But if I had been able to file an accommodation that I needed to have an option to work privately, I think that could have happened. I think they could have fixed the connection to the server they could have gotten me a laptop and I could have worked on premises but still had the option to sit at my desk or even sit at the lunch table, which was kind of across the room, still with the music, still with people in the open office, but like just a slightly different place to sit. Now that I'm self -employed or even when I worked for the other company after that, when I worked in -house for the startup, we had laptops and I work on a laptop now. So I get to move spaces. I can work at my desk. I can work from the couch, can go to a coffee shop and get some focus stuff done.
Just having the options to be in different places were really, really helpful. The other thing that was really helpful was having a big monitor. Now, I actually did have this in that job, but again, these things don't exist in a vacuum. So yeah, I had a big monitor, but the noise was still a problem. Not being able to focus was still a problem.
But that is just something that has been so helpful for me because just working off of a little laptop screen doesn't work for me. Now that I have sort of my dream desk se up, I have a huge monitor. I'm probably going to get another one to be honest, but this one is like a 30 inch wide curved monitor. I also have my laptop, so I technically have a second screen and I'm going to get a third one, a nice vertical screen on the other side that I can use to look at documents and things, but being able to see all my screens in one place is really convenient. And I can see like all the tabs I've opened. I'm working between multiple documents usually. So all of that is really helpful. I can just see everything at once and nothing gets lost. It makes it so much easier for me to work and just be productive. So that's super helpful. The other thing I think I would change back then, which this was something that I don't think could change for that job, but is something to consider, is not having a commission -based job.
So I, well, there's like two things to this. So with compensation in general, being paid a livable salary, being salary, not hourly is huge. So when I was a manager, a food service manager, I was hourly. There were so many times where I had to work outside that time and I couldn't charge for it because I was overtime or whatever. It doesn't work for me. I am the kind of person that if my brain is not feeling right, if my brain needs rest, I need to rest. I can't force myself to work. But then there are times where my brain's like, ready to work, but it's not a traditional business hour. And so being on a salary, a livable salary is huge because then I can work when my brain's ready. I can rest when it's not, and I don't have to be, you know, rigid with my time.
But this also ties in with having flexible scheduling. So it's another thing I think would help is, you know, with having a flexible start time, that's super helpful, but flexible scheduling is huge. So again, if I need to take a break in the middle of the day, because I need to take a nap or run an errand or just like my brain's not feeling it, I'm not getting stuff done, I need to rest. But you know, I'm getting stuff done on the weekend because my brain's like, I'm ready for that. And I have the time and I can do it. Or at night, just being able to work with the way my body kind of flows is really nice. Kind of tied in with like the flexible scheduling laptop thing is being able to move around. again, you know, if I can stand at my desk, that's really helpful. If I can fidget, that's helpful without being distracting to other people. If I can change location, that's super helpful. So just having a lot more flexibility again, so that I'm working with my body, with my brain, not against it. One of the things too that didn't really work out for me in that job was the type of work we had to do and the expectations. Now again, I'm defining a lot of this in hindsight because I've built a lot more awareness about how my brain works, how my own cycles work, even menstrual cycles and how that impacts my energy and my work. So some of this too is like, you, you don't know what you don't know, but when you become aware of things or you can learn things about yourself, it can really make a huge difference. So one of the things that we had to do at the staffing agency as a recruiter was we had to talk with at least 10 candidates every week, 10 job seekers who would be a good fit for some of the clients that we work with. Didn't necessarily mean we had a job for them, more like, hey, can we be one of the people that can help you find work? And if something comes up, we'll let you know. We had to kind of have these sort of 10 connections every week. I really struggled with that because, you know, they were video calls or they were in -person calls and it was just a lot of talking to people. and it was very exhausting. Now, it was an average of 10 a week, but if you did 20 one week, you could do none the next, as long as you kind of ended the month with a good average.
And I remember like early pandemic days, it was like right before shutdown, they were toying with remote work options. And actually, I'm remembering now that I was trying to get approval to work remotely twice a month, which is such a joke, honestly, twice a month. And they only let me do that if I got my interview numbers up. So I did. And then I finally qualified to work from home one day and I worked from home. And it was also happened to be lined up with like a high energy day of my month. And I did 18 interviews in one day, not just one week, one day. Like if I had the knowledge of all my natural cycles and when my energy like dips and rises, I probably could have handled the interview load because I would know to plan my interviews around my peak energy.
With all of that awareness though, I should say even with all of that lack of awareness, there was a lot of shame because when I've had these conversations, performance related conversations, when I'm put on a performance plan, when I'm told I'm getting fired and I like don't really know how I could have done better even though I have this deep desire to. When you don't know that your brain works a certain way, it is so easy to think negatively of yourself and the shame just builds and builds and builds and that is the worst part honestly.
There's a lot of regret and there's a lot of shame surrounding that but I wish that I known then what I know now because even if the circumstances were the same, even if it still wouldn't have worked out, even if I still was fired, I feel like I could have separated myself from it a bit more and not taken it so personally and at least not have blamed myself as much for things that really weren't set up for my success. Yeah, my boss was great. He was like one of the best bosses I've ever had. And I think he really, he really tried to support me as best as he could. But you know, you don't know what you don't know. And if I don't know to tell you, that I have ADHD and that I struggle with recall and I struggle with phone calls and I struggle with early start times. Like if I don't know to tell you that, then I just think I'm a fuck up and like, I guess I better get my shit together so that I don't lose this job because I actually do like it. I did like it. It was just really hard to meet their expectations.
So this is just me sharing this story with you to just tell you that if you've been fired, if you've been put on a performance improvement plan, a PIP, if you've struggled to keep up with the demands and the requirements of a job, it's not inherently your fault. It's not necessarily something that we can control. A lot of these systems are really broken. A lot of companies are not friendly to neurodivergent people. A lot of companies aren't friendly to introverts even. And they just are very ignorant, whether by choice or accidentally to being neuro-inclusive.
And also, if you aren't aware of how your brain works, if you are not even closely familiar with neurodivergent traits or that you might not work the same as everyone else, these systems aren't made for you in mind. If you don't know that, then it's so easy to blame yourself. It's so easy to get burnt out with the masking and just everything and just trying to survive and get through.
That's why I love talking about this and I love talking with other people who maybe even suspect that they might be an ADHDer because once I get talking with them and I share my experience and I share the things that I realized were part of that disorder because it really can be so disabling having ADHD and like having it be mismanaged because it's not just about medicating ADHD like yeah medication can really help but it's about managing it– whether that's through accommodations or therapy or medication or all of the above.
But being able to say, yeah, this is how my brain works. This is what I struggle with. This is the kind of support and accommodations I need. It's so empowering. And I know that there are so many people who slip under the radar, who have no idea that this is how their brain works. And if they did, it would just change their life. It would help improve their depression.
It would help improve their outlook of themselves, improve their anxiety, improve their quality of life, because it's a thing you can actually do something about. You can support yourself. You can put accommodation in the place. You can ask for help. You can hear a question like, is this the job for you? And be like, wait, is this the job for me? And maybe it isn't the job for me, but can we include some accommodations and supports so I can actually succeed in this job? I can actually feel like this job is sustainable for me, and I'm not just going to quit or be fired within a year or two or three and then have to start over again and repeat this whole process.
Because sometimes, you know, you could want a job but they can't accommodate you and they can't implement supports and whether they literally can't and it's true that, you know, they just really can't do it, it's not possible or they just won't because of, you know, well, our culture is in person and blah, blah, all these fake excuses. But at least you know what to ask for, you know what you need, you know how to ask and if they can't provide that for you, then you deserve better and you can go elsewhere.
So I hope that you took something away from this episode. If you learned something new, if you resonated with it, if you feel like I'm speaking your language, if I'm taking thoughts right out of your brain, please tell me. If you've figured out accommodations and supports that have worked really well for you to help make your job feel more sustainable, I'd love to hear them too. We can share them with the community.
You can DM me on Instagram. You might even be able to comment on this podcast, but don't quote me on that. So you can always just DM me or send me an email. I would love to hear from you. And that's all for today. We'll see you on the next episode.