S1 E5: what losing my dad taught me about living authentically
Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of grief and loss.
In this week's episode of the Colorful Futures Podcast, I'm sharing a deeply personal experience – the unexpected loss of my dad and the emotional journey that followed.
Life can change in an instant. One day, everything seems normal, and the next, you're faced with overwhelming, crippling grief. This was my reality. It’s still my reality. In this episode I'll be discussing the complexities of family relationships during times of loss, reflecting on my relationship with my dad, and exploring the profound impact this experience has had on my life.
While this episode deals with a difficult topic, it's also about finding meaning and perspective through challenging times. I’ll share how facing loss reshaped my outlook on life and reminded me of what truly matters.
If you're ready for a thoughtful discussion on grief, personal growth, and the preciousness of life, I invite you to listen in. This episode may bring up all kinds of emotions, so please take care of yourself as you tune in. 💖
Transcript
Speaker: Liora Alvarez
Hello my friend, and welcome to the Colorful Features podcast where we talk about the intersection of intersectionality and careers. I'm your host Leora Alvarez, career coach and talent acquisition consultant. Today isn't going to be a typical episode and I need you to stick with me. I need you to trust me and stick with me as I say what I have to say today and what I'm going to share.
I do want to give a bit of a content warning that there will be themes of loss and death in this episode. So if that is too much for you right now, or not in the headspace that you're in, or for any reason, just not content that you want to consume, I completely understand. And I will see you next week. Let's get into it. So I live in Philly. I live in the city.
My parents live outside the city in the suburbs about like 40 minutes by train, probably about the same amount of time, maybe a little longer by car. My parents have been divorced for, I don't know, like 25 years or so, at least 20 years, most of my life. They've always lived near each other though, even when my mom moved out of Philadelphia into the suburbs, my dad moved shortly after and made sure he was like within the same school district and I could take the bus to and from school and all that kind of stuff.
So they had split custody of me and they really did try to blend our family as much as possible. My mom, my stepdad, and my dad. My dad never remarried and although I have half siblings who my dad loved so much, I'm my dad's only kid. So it was really important to me, especially as I got older, after I got married, to try to make sure that I was still staying in touch with family, but especially my dad since I am his only full biological kid.
And I was really close with my parents, both my parents, my mom and my dad, were close in different ways, the two of them. I was really grateful to have the parents that I had and my dad was just always like my biggest, my biggest supporter. Came to all the Color Guard competitions, even the ones out of state, you know, would have my friends over, would just make sure that I was happy.
He was the kind of dad who, when I came out at like 13, would just talk about how he did not understand the parents who couldn't accept their kids unconditionally. That is what being a parent is, or what it should be, is unconditional love. And as long as your kids are happy, then what does it matter?
I always had dreams of my dad moving to the city. He grew up in South Philadelphia and moved.
further out as he got older and as I was born. And then as I mentioned earlier, my dad moved to be closer to me and my mom, my stepdad. But I always had this thought that like, it'd be so cool if he can move to the city. Because that's where I live. That's where my half brother, my brother, and my nephew live.
My mom and my stepdad eventually bought a property here so we could all be really close and I kind of floated the idea to my dad a couple of times and he wasn't fully convinced. But you know, he was definitely in his routine, in his habits and classic ADHD are like very uncertain of change. I had these dreams of him living here. had dreams of us having hard but healing conversations, dreams of being able to, you know, visit him more frequently instead of having to drive 45 minutes, dreams of being able to bring him dinner, have him over for dinner, bring him groceries, like just be nearby as he was aging, because my parents are also older than I would say average.
I was the final child of my mom's kids and my parents were older when they, you know, got together and had me. I had all these dreams of just being able to really be closer to my dad, to my parents, and be able to help care for them. Dreams of family dinners, all that good stuff.
At some point, you know, I made sure to make plans, experiences, invited him downtown to see me and my wife Lauren, to go see a musical, to get dinner or, you know, have brunch at my brother's house with his wife and their kid, my nephew. You know, we were able to have great memories like that, but there were also a lot of things that I didn't do.
Like I avoided having the hard healing conversations. There's one conversation I do remember having, but there were so many more that I wish that I had had and that I just didn't do, didn't have the capacity to for one reason or another. I didn't make a lot of time to go out to the suburbs and go see him. Even if we had to, I don't know, go to the suburbs for like a dentist appointment, I was always worried about just getting back home because it's like an hour+ drive and then I have to get home and get back to work.
You know, it just felt like, like an inconvenience almost to drive the extra 10 minutes, swing by for a half hour and then go home. And I feel like I need to say, maybe I just feel like I need to defend myself, but a lot of this time was like, I had no idea that I had ADHD, didn't know that I was autistic, didn't know that my brain worked differently, or I was at the very you know, early part of that.
Or I was in burnout recovery where just like extra plans were not in the cards for me. So, you know, we didn't see each other as much as I wanted to. I waited too long between phone calls. There'd be times where we wouldn't talk on the phone for weeks and my dad wasn't a big texter. So there just wasn't a lot of communication sometimes. You know, I was, I always thought about my dad and I always was like, I should call, I should text, should, should, should, should, and just wouldn't commit to calling more, visiting more, that stuff.
And you know, my dad had his, had his life too. Like he did reach out sometimes and, and all that. But again, you know, he was an unmanaged ADHDer. He didn't even really know he had ADHD until I was diagnosed and I talked to him about it. But you know, at this point, he's in his late sixties, early seventies, and he's like, my life is what it is. It's like not going to change a ton for me to, to know this about myself. I don't fully agree with that, but that's not what today's conversation is about.
So one week, we had him downtown, went to a musical, had brunch at my brother's, had some really nice quality time together, got some really cute pictures. We got to see like the Halloween decorations that were up in the city. And he went home and we went about our lives and a couple of weeks go by. One morning I wake up with my alarm laying in bed watching TikToks. My alarm goes off at like 5 a So usually I'm laying in bed watching TikToks or on social media for a while.
But on this particular day, I got up with my alarm, which is unusual for me. And Lauren is still in bed. So we were like, let's just watch some TikToks together while we slowly wake up and do our thing.
And then my phone rings, which was real weird because like who was calling me at 5am– like who's calling me so early? It's a local number. And I'm pretty sure my phone was on do not disturb too, which means they called multiple times in order for it to push through. So I pick it up. I don't even know who I thought it was, but I figured, you know, if they're calling this early, let me just pick up and see, you know, what's going on.
And the guy at the end of the line goes, you know, I don't even remember the exact words he started with, but the words that I can remember are “it's your dad, I think he's passed." And the person on the phone was the guy that my dad rented a room to for years. They were friends. And I remember like in that moment, him just saying like, I think he's passed. I'm like, what? I actually think I said,” wait, what?” And then he explained, you know, I'm not going to get into it because we don't need to get that specific. But yeah, just some weird accident and nothing could be done.
I was barely 31.So that was in November of 2022. I had turned 31 that previous July. So I had gotten to experience three decades of life with my dad. And it's really fucking wild because 31 feels so young to lose a parent. Like I know that people lose parents at all ages. My step nephew lost his parents, both his parents as a toddler.
And yet when I think about 31, like...Fuck, that's not a lot of time. And I had tons, tons of hopes and dreams and “wouldn't it be great if” and “won't it be awesome when” crashing down in four words and a 5am phone call. All those dreams, all those visions, all those goals gone. That moment for me was, I mean, I think it goes without saying it was pretty life-changing.
But I share this with you because life is so short. Like it feels so long, but it is so short, and like no day is guaranteed. And if there's anything that losing my dad so suddenly, he was 72, 72 like wasn't ill, you know wasn't in peak health condition but like didn't even pass from any of that. It was just a trip down a carpeted set of stairs.
And I actually saw a psychic a few months after. It was like, like nine months after. And he, through the psychic in that session, even said that he was pissed about like, falling down the set of stairs that he took every day. And that was just so my dad. Like when I found out how he passed and like got the confirmation from the coroner, I remember looking at my mom and being like,”dad would hate this. Like he would hate that.” But we really never know what's going to happen, like, anything can happen.
You know, yeah, my dad lived a full life. He was 72. I mean, sure, he had many years ahead of him. But there are people who don't get that long, you know, and experiencing that kind of loss just was like such a huge reality check, values check, like, “what the hell am I doing with my life” check?
I share this story with you because I think it's important to remind you to not let your gifts stay trapped. Everyone has a gift to give this world and it's gonna look different for everyone but in seeing my dad live his life and hearing people share stories and hearing people speak at his funeral or just share with me like their life with him like he had such an impact on people even though he was just like some regular normal dude who had a ton of rejection sensitivity and imposter syndrome and like never felt
good enough, never felt like he felt lonely a lot and overwhelmed by life. And hearing how people perceived him was just such a stark difference to the sort of perception that he had of himself. So don't let your gifts stay trapped. Let the world experience everything that you have to offer. Let yourself give that gift to the world because we want it. We want that gift from you. We want to experience you for all of who you are and everything that you have to say and that you believe.
And was truly after I lost my dad, after the, you know, I don't want to say after the grief because grief is never ending, but after sort of that initial numbness, I guess, I don't know, the first few weeks, first couple of months, some of it I can't even remember.
And there was so much going on too, like Thanksgiving and Christmas and holidays and my wife had surgery and then another surgery. And there were appointments we went to that I'm like, I don't even remember being there. Like it was just all a blur. But when I got on the other side of that and it gave me a chance to just reflect on like, okay, what is life without him? like how, what is this all teaching me? Not that it has to teach me anything, but like it did.
You deserve to be your genuine, authentic self. You deserve to not have to change yourself to earn the love and support of other people. Because after losing my dad, I just like didn't give a fuck. I'm like, I am, I'm just saying what I have to say. I'm doing what feels right. I'm doing what feels aligned with my values. Everything else can just like, fuck off basically.
And it really helped me understand what was important to me, how I wanted to show up in the world, what my contribution to the world is, and not in like the “we have to all contribute” way, but just in like the “what do I have to offer? What are my gifts? How am I censoring myself to keep myself small or to please other people? Or because I'm afraid? There were so many things I didn't do because I was so afraid. And what I found was like the more I stopped censoring myself, the more I said and did what felt right, even if it felt uncomfortable because maybe it wasn't what the majority was doing, or maybe it felt weird because like I had never heard anyone say this before and then here I am saying it and like there was just a lot of second guessing myself of like, should I be saying this? Should I be doing this? Like, whatever. And but it all just came back to like, what's this all for?
Because you, in this physical body, you only get this experience once. Whether you believe in reincarnation or future lives or an afterlife or whatever, but this experience that you have right now, this is all you get. And if this is all you get, then why not speak your truth? Why not be your genuine, authentic self? Because you're, you know, if you're afraid of being alone, if you're afraid of like, well, “if I say this, then like, who's gonna want to, you know, be in my community? Who's gonna wanna be my friend? Who's gonna wanna be with me?” Like, it's honestly so much easier when you are yourself because the people who resonate with you, the people who vibe with your vibe, who wanna fuck with you, like, they will make it fucking known.
And I found that to be true. I mean, I have given less fucks than I ever have in the past year and a half, almost two years. It'll be two years this coming November, which is wild. And I've never felt closer to people. I've never felt closer to friends that I may not talk to often, but I know are there for me, friends who we didn't talk for years and came to his funeral and made it known to me that they came because you know, they care about me, they care about my dad.
I learned things that my dad said to my friends that I wasn't even aware of, just like when I was going through some shit and he thanked them for being there for me. I had no idea. And I've never felt less alone, which is a very unfamiliar experience. So thanks for coming on this journey with me today, listening to this story. Truly any day could be our last, and I just feel like you deserve, and we deserve to receive your gift to the world, your authentic self.
I want to hear what you have to say. I don't want you to be afraid. I don't want you to be scared that you're not enough because you are and you're more than enough. You are so more than enough and we want to hear everything you have to say, everything that you want to contribute. Life's too short to stay small, to keep yourself small, to keep yourself scared.
There are people waiting to hear from you. There are people waiting for you to show up and be yourself because they've just been waiting and waiting for someone like you to show up and show them what's possible and show them that they also don't have to be afraid to be themselves. That's all we have today. I'll see you next time.
You can DM me on Instagram. You might even be able to comment on this podcast, but don't quote me on that. So you can always just DM me or send me an email. I would love to hear from you. And that's all for today. We'll see you on the next episode.